Becoming a Mom is Scary

TW: Pregnancy, Periods, Birth,

One of the most terrifying things I have ever done in my life was become a mother. I was the person who was living wild and free. I would go out every weekend, go to parties, and honestly live my best life. When I saw those two little lines confirming my pregnancy, I felt as though I had lost that all.

The weekend I found out I was pregnant was a normal party weekend for me. On friday night, my boyfriend and I went on a party bus with our friends who had just gotten married. We had mexican food, beers, went to a brewery, and then ended the night at the strip club. It was honestly a night to remember. I had stopped drinking a lot back in August of 2023 but decided to have a few beers this night in October. The next day, I had to be up early because I had a tattoo appointment for 3 different tattoos I was getting. If you dont know, I have several tattoos to include and arm sleeve and a leg sleeve. This was pretty usual for me to get tattoos. On Sunday, we wanted to have a relaxed day and get ready for work the next day. We started the day by playing with our dog, Jasper, and giving him some love because we had been gone part of the weekend. He ended up having the zoomies and was running around the house. He came back upstairs and laid back down on the bed and I thought he was done with his zoomies. I bent down to kiss him and as I did he came up quickly and knocked me in the head. I went to the ER and found out he had given me a concussion. After the weekend was over, I had an appointment Monday for my concussion. I was hoping this was the end to a crazy weekend. Turns out it was not.

I remember sitting there looking at my Flo app saying my period should be starting today but I did not have any symptoms of a period. I decided what the heck and took a pregnancy test and hopped in the shower to get ready for my appointment. Little did I know those lines were coming in hot. I remember getting out of the shower and checking the test and instantly bawling my eyes out. I could not get ahold of my boyfriend because he was at work, my mom was also at work, my dad did not have his phone on him, my little brother was at work along with my sister in law. I felt so scared and alone because half of me wanted to be pregnant but half of me was not ready for this and wanted to get rid of it. All I truly remember is my boyfriend saying "we will get through this together, I promise" as I was crying my eyes out. I can honestly say we have done just that.

My first ultrasound appointment was nerve wrecking. I had been so scared that there would not be a heartbeat and I would have to mourn the loss of someone I never knew. Hearing his heartbeat for the first time made me so unbelievably happy. I started to think about who he was going to be and how I would raise him. Of course, at the time, I did not know it was going to be a boy. Once I got home though, the fear set in. What if I am not a good mother? What if I lose them before they get here? I cannot even pay for myself how am I going to support a child financially? Will my mental illness cause me to be a burden on him? Everything was racing through my head and I was not sure how I would manage to hold on. Once we made it t 12 weeks, I remember telling myself its really happening now. Every single appointment after that was terrifying. Whether it was the doppler or the ultrasound machine, I was scared something happened to him and he would not make it.

When it came time for birth, he was 36 weeks and 6 days. This means he was 3 weeks and 1 day early. I held him for maybe 2 minutes before he was whisked away to the NICU. I had no idea what was going on as I was being stitched up from an episotomy. Everyone was congratulating me and crying and so excited. I started thinking how terrified I was for him going into the NICU. After I was sewn up, I went to the postpartum room. My baby was not able to be in there with me. I was so upset, and im still upset, that I did not get the immediate time with my baby that most mothers got. I ended up not really seeing my baby for the next 24 hours. The epidural had screwed me up to the point of a spinal fluid leak that lead to a spinal fluid headache. I could not stand up let alone sit up. I remember being so scared that something was happening to me baby and I was not there for him. We had spent a long, hard week in the NICU with lots of tears before we could take him home. We only went home to shower and eat and went back to the NICU. He was sent home with oxygen he still has on at this moment.

Now that he is home, I cannot help but continuously ask myself if I am doing everything right. I am always checking his breathing, fixing his oxygen, making sure nothing is covering his face, hoping he is comfortable. When he cries, I want to jump up and rescue him from anything and everything that could be wrong. I would literally go to war for this little 8 pound dude. Breastfeeding is the worst. Especially when the NICU has to give him bottles. It is what he is use to. Now, I just pump and give him a bottle with breast milk and only breastfeed when the bottle is taking to long to heat up. I feel like I am doing it wrong sometimes but I keep reminding myself that fed is best. I love this boy but I have to say being a mom is absolutely scary. I think I will forever question myself on how I am doing as a mom. I think I will always be scared of being a mom. I want him to be raised to be a man just like his daddy. I want to raise him with the ability to stand up for himself but also stand up for others. I want him to be ale to make the right choices in the hardest situations. I know there will be mistakes but I also need to remind myself I am growing up with him as well. I truly cannot wait to see the man he grows up to be.

Becoming a mom has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I feel like self doubt will always be there but I will also be able to raise him correctly. I give credit to all the moms, past, present, and future. I also want to thank anyone and everyone who supported me during the pregnancy and during postpartum. It truly makes a difference.